Finding it difficult

Everything is rather tough at the moment. I'm Ok most of the time, but sometimes I think about the new house or not having a new baby to hold and I get upset again. We were looking forward to this year, so many exciting things were going to happen. The weekend before we had at last found a house and on the Sunday put a reserve down. We had planned how to arrange the room for the new baby and the furniture we would have to get for James big boys room. Now we have an empty spare bed.

I thought I was doing so well with this pregnancy. With James the whole thing was rather scary as I didn't know what to expect. Throughout this one I have been relaxed and calm and was enjoying the experience. I was so looking forward to having a new addition to our family.

I had just started to tell people outside of the family about me being pregnant. I'm worried that someone who hasn't heard the news will ask me questions or congratulate me and I will have to explain that there is no baby. I don't feel I can do that without getting upset. Because of this I don't want to leave the house in case I see someone. We are meant to go and chose units for our new kitchen but at the moment I don't think I can. It should be an exciting time organising the new house, but the lady who is dealing with it all knows I'm pregnant and I can't face seeing her.

I'm not looking forward to seeing the empty spare room.

I think/hope that once the final scan is over on Wednesday we can draw a line under things. Not forget, just move on.

I only have one congratulations card to remember the baby by. I know it sounds silly calling it a baby when it is only a few weeks old. But I know it was a baby. I was mine and Johns and he would have been beautiful and blonde just like James.